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The daughter of an unloving mother—one who is emotionally distant, withholding, inconsistent, or even hypercritical or cruel—learns different lessons about the world and herself.
The underlying problem, of course, is how dependent a human infant is on her mother for nurturance and survival, and the circumscribed nature of her world.
Why these wounds are common is amply explained by attachment theory, first proposed by John Bowlby and then expanded by the work of Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main, and many others.
In infancy and childhood, a daughter catches the first glimpse of herself in the mirror that is her mother’s face.
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The following catalog of what can happen to a daughter who grows up without a mother’s love and support is derived from anecdote, and not a scientific survey; it’s not meant to be inclusive, either.
The work of Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver (and later, others) showed that early childhood attachments were highly predictive of adult romantic relationships, as well as friendships.
Kim Bartholomew’s work helpfully further divides those who are avoidantly attached into two categories—“fearful” and “dismissive.” Both share the same avoidance of intimacy but for different reasons.
The “fearful” actively seek close relationships but are afraid of intimacy on all levels; they are intensely vulnerable, and tend to be clingy and dependent.
Consciousness is the first step in an unloved daughter’s healing.
All too often, we simply accept these behaviors in ourselves without knowing their point of origin. Lack of confidence The unloved daughter doesn’t know that she is lovable or worthy of attention; she may have grown up feeling ignored or unheard or criticized at every turn.